Holding on and letting go.

Saturday, 28 October 2017

I've learnt that in a sum that coheres, I owe everything that I am, to myself. I may have glutted myself on opinions that didn't matter, impertinent debates that slewed into oblivion, and small talks that always ran into a ditch - all this and several spurious manifestations with which I had begun to become familiar with, came sporadically and in pieces.



I have decided to step back to look at the bigger picture. I don't want to contract into tiny pixels, as and when different situations present themselves to me. I want to become one person, from sundown to sundown.

Of late, I've been playing myself in a role that I never knowingly assigned to myself. It's something that I took up as I went along the way, to fit into the second best thing; which was really the distorted version of the very best thing that I could’ve wanted for myself. But I've realized that the second best thing for me is the worst thing, as it is not me. And if I continue being on the same path, I will contrive a big crisis upon myself.

I know for a fact that we all have varied aspirations which certainly do not have a common denominator; but what they do have in common is the quality and the dignity. And when I say that I wanted the very best thing, I do not mean it in an absolute sense, since we don't live in a utopia. I mean it in a sense which entails my very limitations, and my knowledge of them, calculated and sorted.

 So, I refuse to rush with the flow.

I have decided to take a few steps back to come back to where I really belong. For I have found a sense of satisfaction in remaining still and observing more than I could ever comprehend; before leaving it all to dust. I have found happiness in going in depth about a subject than rushing through it for the sake of the exam. I have learnt that being responsible is difficult, when absconding responsibility and getting rid of it, isn’t. I’ve learnt that I will have to deal with a lot of nonsense from whippersnappers, and that I'll find it difficult to stay calm.

But stepping back has made me realize, where life truly resides- in the broadened horizons of a child, for whom, anything is possible. Life resides in the guilt of wrongdoing, the insecurities and the fears; it resides in the lowest of lows and highest of highs.

 And as far as the second best thing goes, I would describe it as an aberration from my main goal. Because I believe in holding on, before I really have to let go. J 

And trust me, holding on is always the better option, until it's an age old notion which does nobody any good; then you should really learn how to let go.


Middle of nowhere.

Monday, 16 October 2017

Without any warning, the car angled off of a smooth floor to an uneven bumpy rough terrain, Chris's grip on the steering wheel tightened. After suffering the bumps for a while, it stopped. Holly looked at Chris, wide eyed, not knowing where he was taking her. His grip on the steering wheel loosened, he turned towards Holly and smiled.


"We're almost there." He said. His eyes were again on the rough road ahead.

Holly sighed for the billionth time, being the most impatient person in the car out of the two of them. 

"I just hope you're not taking me to the middle of nowhere, Chris. I don't enjoy visiting places without a purpose." She said, her head now resting on the window. 

"Boy! Aren’t you grumpy today?" He teased

"Chris!" She frowned. 

The sun was now setting down and it looked so much larger from where they were, the yellow light was slowly blending into orange and red. They were slowing moving ahead, as if towards the sun, which was very soothing to watch. And with the windows pulled down, the air around them was also quite warm.

Holly suddenly wanted Chris to drive slower, so they never reach where they intended to reach. But these were just thoughts swimming in and out of her head, keeping her awake, when she just wanted to cuddle up in this newfound warmth.  

Chris nudged her when he noticed that she was falling asleep, she turns towards him to find him pointing to the front of the car. 

"It's a candy to the eye."  She said.

Holly could see the gorgeous hills, crisp and clear, truly breathtaking.

"You think?" He raised his eyebrows at her.

She rolled her eyes at him, "Yes, Chris. And I’ll forever be obliged to you." 

They both laughed. They knew she was bad at the comebacks. And it was alright.

The car came to a stop at a spot. She climbs out of the car and realizes that they really were in the middle of nowhere, with the hills in far sight, she was just standing on a rough dirty ground. 

Even though she could spend the whole evening gazing at the hills turning dark, she knew there had to be more to this place. Since this was Chris's "special place".

"Chris, aren't you coming now?" She called out to him.

"I'll be there in a moment, with my favourite killing knife." 

"I've got mace in my purse, Chris, try me." 

He laughed through his nose, shaking his head.

After a while Chris joined Holly and they both started walking towards a low terrain, a quiet excitement was now engulfing Holly, and as soon as they reached its end, she came to a halt. 


"It is just like the movies." She was sure she was smiling her widest, her eyes absorbing the view.

They could see the whole city from that place. All the buildings, the city lights, all the vehicles, the stadium, everything appeared so small yet looked so beautiful. Under their feet and over their head, big or small, this was their world. 

"I used to come here a lot. When you're in the city, you feel overburdened with it all, the buildings, the people, the vehicles- everything seems to get to you every once in a while. But when you come up here, it all appears so small, you know. Up here, you're part of something much greater that the city does not seem so suffocating. And somewhere you learn to appreciate it all."

She grabs his hand and squeezes it, "I didn't know it was suffocating down there, until I came up here, Chris."

He laughs, "Sorry, but I guess we're both at the same page now, aren't we?"

"We sure are." Holly said.

Image credits: Google.


Don't let me be selfish.

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Let me be selfish today,
Let me cry and not wonder how,
Someone has it worse than me.
Let me think, about my deferred dreams,
About my deterred aspirations,
Let me call myself a victim today.
Let me be unhappy today,
Let me know that it's normal.
So don't say that I'm depressed, 
Without knowing the extent of my problems
And please,
Don’t say that I'm always unhappy
Because it's just for today,
I promise, I'm not "always like this"

Oh, I forgot about my problems,
In trying to seek for your validation,
It's a beautiful trick, to suppress my demons,
So that we could talk about yours'.

But,

Let me be selfish today
Let me walk out of the door,
Without taking any permission,
Let me drown in my sorrows today,
And please don't try to make me feel better,
Because it's ok,
So let me think about the what ifs and could've been,
Without making me feel like I'm a wreck.
I promise that it's not a first world problem.

But it's trivial alright, and I'm ashamed of calling it a problem
Because you laughed,
But let me cry today
So that when I smile tomorrow, 
You could ask me to smile my widest. 

And I'll realize, like I always do, 
That it was nothing to worry about,
And that you were right. 

I get the point now,
After many years,
That your life is as complicated as you want it to get

And the time I spent hating you for not caring for my mental health,
Was the time I was annihilating my own self. 

So, please never let me be selfish, ever again.



Unforgettable friendship.

Friday, 4 August 2017

 ‘This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.’ 



When she laughed, I laughed. When she frowned, I frowned. She was my pillar when I was falling and I was hers'. It is a friendship that I'll cherish forever. I still have all the letters, all the photographs, all the messages and all the presents. I take them out in times when I feel really low, and so far away from myself. They always manage to bring a smile on my face. I smile at the love which oozes out from those letters and gets caught up in the glitter of those fantastic hearts, plastered on top of the letters, shinning persistently, even after all these years. I smile at the bright side of time. I smile at our uncontrolled and our uncorrupted minds. 

I am wearing a red top with black polka dots; we're walking on the green grass by the pool. Some water is splashed and then some more, and soon we get into a water-fight and start to push each other until we're practically rolling on the grass, laughing. 

                                                                                   *
We bunk a class, probably the first time that I ever did so, to discuss our future plans. Swaying on a playground swing, we promise each other, to follow our dreams and passions, no matter what. 

                                                                                   *
We’re discussing how strange life is, it is 4 am and we have so much to talk about! It is raining profusely and the lights are out. We both love the weather and we're both just being very sarcastic and pulling each others' leg!
                                                                                   *
I am staring up at the sky, with her by my side. I tell her that she's the only person I can count on, that she is the only one who truly understands me and knows me, in every sense of the word. Afterwards, I tell her that she sucks, to lighten the mood a bit.
                                                                                   *

We watched a movie today, barely! As we were too busy clicking pictures of the movie screen. So weird and childish we are!
                                                                                   *
We laughed so much today. There were tears in our eyes! Math and chemistry class is fun because of her. 
                                                                                  *
Today was unforgettable. Had so much fun discussing bizarre scenarios of life and talking about books and then running away from the Pizzeria because it was too expensive!
                                                                                  *

Unforgettable. A significant piece of my heart, a part of me which is entirely me is because of that friendship. All the rest is made up, all the rest is just staggering on a concrete path, listlessly. Reaching, almost, and then taking infinite steps back. 


A dream to remember

Friday, 21 July 2017

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.’ 

                               

My world was spinning. I wanted to scream. The pain in my neck was becoming more and more unbearable, my insides were burning. It felt like I was on fire.

In front of me, hung a huge mirror, in which I could perfectly see myself. My eyes brimmed with tears, tears which then burned my cheeks. My face had grown pale and my hazel eyes, red. My evanescent brown hair had never looked darker. I felt the blood pulling away from my skin as I stared at my impaled neck. 

It was night, I had gone out to get groceries when I was attacked and dragged into a dark alley. I remember being hit on the head and fainting. I woke up to find myself tied to a wooden chair in a dimly lit room, guarded by a woman who sat across from me on a similar chair. 

I tried to speak, but couldn’t. The pain will soon kill me, I thought. 

"This was meant to happen, Serra" The Woman across from me spoke in a stentorian voice. 

How does she know my name? Who is she? 

I furrowed my eyebrows at her, at her petty remark on my fate. I couldn't make sense of it all, whereas I knew what this was. I'd always heard about it and knew it was true, but never thought that I'd be chosen next. And suddenly, she emerged from the darkness of the corner of the room. My breathing became erratic, my skin grew paler.

It was my mother.

"..How..." It was a word without any sound. I wondered if this was a prank, if this was all planned. But the deterioration of my physical health held no resemblance to my thoughts. 

My mother had conspired this. 

"Why?" I managed to say.

"We are god's men, Serra." She said

So, she's one of them. 

"Vampires are not gods" I seethed.

"The goddess chose you, Serra. Since you’ve always been so weak, don't you see the silver lining? You will be agile - you'll have the strength of 30 men. You will be alluring and young, forever; your beauty will be eternal, envied by most. You-"

"STOP!" I screamed. 

The door to the room flew open; Inevitable, he came in with his varlets. He was so tall. I could barely see him with his hood covering his face. He stopped right in front of me and stood there for what seemed like centuries, and then lifted off his hood. 

These indecipherable blue eyes are here to take me, to complete the transition.

He kneeled down and whispered my name. The throbbing pain pervaded every single cell in my body. My mother was standing in the farthest corner of the room, weeping. The man spoke from across the space between us.

"Thee've been chosen
hark to mine own sweet voice
and surrend'r to the goddess"

The dream ends. Do I become a Vampire, then? It seems so. I also like the name Serra or maybe it could’ve been Furiosa. Tempting!

But I was a Vampire fanatic, since it was the trendiest pop-fiction topic back then and something which put a dark and mysterious spin on a romantic story. Jam a stake through my heart! But I would always have dreams about Vampires, after binge watching Vampire shows and reading young adult novels about them. I'm glad that it was just a phase, though I'm not guilty! 

Pic credits: Google.


Moth to a flame

Friday, 14 July 2017

I wish it didn't have to be so different, 

I wish you could stay the same person who is brave enough to rule against his fears.
I wish you didn't forsake me when I asked you of your rationale behind the change.

If only I could show you clarity in your doubts
If only I could trace you order and meaning in the chaos
If only you could see beyond your shattered dreams,
How someone has it worse than you
And gather strength, rather than pity.

But you already know everything, 
Yet you continue on being a moth to a flame
You're attracted towards everything that burns bright.

You've been burnt twice since then,
    And yet you never learn.


Fear of the dark.

Saturday, 1 July 2017




A jaunty walk in an eerie park,
Where an empty swing-set keeps swinging
A distant whisper, to raise suspicion,
Induce a haunting curiosity which proved numbing.
Leaf-less trees emulate the spooky tree from potter,
Where fallen leaves create swirling patterns with the wind
Wishing that I was Wendell and Monica Wilkins’s daughter,
Who is fearless and effulgent, no matter how scary the night is, and no matter how grim.
Suddenly out of nowhere, a voice called out, that sounded just like my mothers’
I chastised myself for coming out for a walk, in the eerie park all by myself.
Because I had a feeling of something evil hovering, just above my head,
I wondered if it wanted to hurt me, or hug me or just wanted to talk instead.
But my fear abated, as thoughts percolated
As it all reminded me of the Canterville ghost from the Oscar Wilde plot
I smiled at my memory of it and embraced the now sweetened fear, consummately.
The melancholic ghost could never hurt me, I thought.
I came out into the light, bolder than Hermione Granger (not quite)
I became friends with all the voices inside (and outside?) my head and embraced their incomprehensibility
I learnt that even when it’s not dark, such whimsical energy does environ me
So it’s just the fear of the dark and of the unimaginable, only because it is unimaginable.

It all depends on what you imagine, and then, who/what you imagine yourself to be.

Hence, I learnt that fear is a part of life; all you do is learn to accommodate it. 


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