Idee fixe

Monday, 28 October 2019


Ten thousand words, are stretched upon the vast expanse of time I've spent revising what is lost. And I’ve discovered the gems of past time, encrusted deep within the memory of my machine, unfiltered, and undoubtedly me. They follow the bliss, just like a summer song. These words take me back to a time germane to the voice that rose and fell in the deepest, darkest crevices of my heart. These are the gaps I could fill with nothing more than edifying words - I am a goddess, you are a heretic. When has it ever done any good? 

Though the silent accusations spilled hastily on 23rd September, followed by intense happiness on 24th, makes me wonder, if anything that is put out in haste, true or just a negation and that's it? Are words only exploited to satiate an insatiable cupidity for life?


There are ten thousand deleted bits, and a hundred half finished stories - all lost to restiveness. I'm caught in a never-ending maze of unreality, for I fail to come up with something that is real. I have a fixed idea of what I should be feeling, no matter what the situation is, for facts fail to faze me. Just like you fail to faze me with your pronounced weirdness, trying to obfuscate an idea that is so inherently engineered into your being that you end up being nothing but ordinary. Just like my words. You're trying to hide what is real, and substantive. Press delete, and do it all over again?

You're incomprehensible, just like a really tough reading comprehension on an English test. Are the answers even there? 

Ten thousand words have been fixed on an idea or two. And I've sketched my whole life in a paragraph; mostly in the space that is void of any words. Because how can I ever, ever, figure out what goes there? I am complicated, and vague, and a hypocrite. I move in circles with my words, in a garden inundated with my impatient thoughts. What do I pick, when one is synonymous with the other? 

I have written a story, which is riveting to only those who are ethically compromised. And I don't mind this moral failure. How could I? But they know why I don't simplify myself; because I'll fall apart if I did. 

But let me remain so. Let me keep pilfering notions from my own banal philosophy of life.




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