I've learned that it is easy to blame other people,
especially in times when we are displeased. So we cover up our mistakes (which
could’ve been avoided) and cover up the poor judgment on our part by using
anger as a defence mechanism; victimizing ourselves to the point where we feel
attacked by the other person.
You feel indignant,
distraught, disrespected and even assaulted, so you sulk. But in the moment you
want anything but to feel helpless and guilty, so you react fervently by
screaming and shouting; blaming the other person. And it does not resolve
anything, neither does it diminish anything, it only escalates the problem so
that it can be picked up from where it was left off. The cycle goes on.
It is terribly unfair you'll
say, that you don't deserve the criticism - this is how you cover up, so that
you can feel less bad about yourself. Indignation masks your reality so that
helplessness can't take its toll on you.
Safeguarding your fragile
emotions under your veil of anger is easy and it seems like the only choice, by
habit, because such delicate emotions are not easy to bear.
To admit to these emotions might be difficult, especially
when your ego doesn't allow you to do so, which makes confessing hard as it
requires you to unmask your anger and hence become vulnerable - guilty,
helpless, and unwise - which requires a very strong ego and a good
understanding of your emotions.
And yet this is not exactly
the talk of a conflict, not exactly. It is probably the kind of conflict where
only one person has to face the blame to resolve the conflict, meaning that he
has to admit to his mistakes. But since he doesn’t, he ends up in a real
conflict.
Another kind of conflict is the one which is abetted by
beliefs, something which can’t be avoided. It is a clash between indigenous
beliefs and values which I, for a fact, never held so dearly to my heart, in fact, not at all.
So to speak, the latter is the one I get into the most. More
often than I would like to admit. It has been the case since childhood.
And at times I find myself just out of my depth because I know
that only a negotiation or a compromise can resolve such conflict. And I can
compromise too, but up to what degree, I do not know.
But I find this to be utterly unfair. Only because I am
battling against something that I didn’t even choose, I’m being hurt over
something I don’t want to associate myself with and yet I can’t be left
without.
I find myself to be vulnerable. Tears they come so easily!
And I am a so called “strong woman”.
Still I’m trying to understand the logic behind this
horrible loop of conflicts for my beliefs and my way of life - where I consider
myself a person with strong morals.
I wonder, when no solution can
be dictated, and negotiation becomes a necessity, who shall incur the most
loss?
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