I've been struggling to write, hitting the backspace key
more often than I would like in these past few days. Scribbling one word over
another on my notepad until the ink imprints itself on the next page. And it is
not because I can't figure out what to think about anything but just because my
thoughts and views are profuse. Sometimes I can't find the
right words, nothing seems to satisfy me. Nothing fits my discernment no matter
how clearly I seem to have perceived it. And I end up writing nothing.
Nothing- it is a clutter of
shattered glass. With every word you fail to put in its right place, a
seemingly good sentence shatters itself into a million tiny pieces and before
you know it, there's a pile of it on the prescient paper which knew the fate of
your words before you even picked up the pen. And I can either believe all of
it, or none of it. But I am a believer when I'm writing. I have to be.
Otherwise I'm as good as a blank paper.
But a blank page is one I
can't do without, a blank screen is one I sit in front of, to mull over an
event which led me to another event which led me to a "spiritual
epiphany"; and then I start to write, but I find it hard to write without
a syntax which conveys the sense of each word without seeming deceptive. And
for my wanting a clearer meaning for my otherwise confusing syntax, I
ultimately end up writing nothing again.
But I've come to find that
nothingness is seductive, as it has meaning without words. But then again, if
that was the case, I've got only nothingness in my mind.
This bulwark of protection has to be broken down since I don't want to be
consumed by nothingness under the impression that it is something after all.
Because it isn't; it is just a chimera.
So you let the rejected words
dry, you let the shattered pieces heal. For afterwards, they become something
of their own. You believe that they do. And that you must forego the ambition
of writing nothing. And that you must accept everything, as it is.
Because at the end of the day, a
fractured syntax isn't as bad as it may seem. :)
very informative post for me as I am always looking for new content that can help me and my knowledge grow better.
ReplyDelete