Aurthohin-I

Dear shadow,

As I ruined the most important paper of my life, I thought about those three years and how everything led up to this exact moment. How I landed up here. Three years ago, if someone had told me that I’d be doing what I am doing now, I would have laughed my ass off. I wanted to change that, but redemption turned out to be axiomatically in the negative. 

I'm all the things I thought I'd never be. The good and the bad, both. And I know that I will never be what I'm not. I will never have that brazen feeling, the one which would make me dauntless. The landscape has changed, drastically. I'm the mis-toggled shirt, the rust tainted pure white paper.

This failure of mine, it will never cease to define me. Because it's all I had wanted to be. 

It feels so different, in every sense of the word.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I can’t shake this feeling of living in a perpetual nightmare. I’m still in denial, in utter disbelief. It’s crazy. I just cannot define this feeling. 

Tell me shadow, you love darkness. I loathe it. Yet, it follows me. Yet you follow me. Why?

But no matter how bad the nightmare is, I've learned that the trick is to never talk about it. I do this often, only because I just don’t know how to react to other people’s dilemmas. I’m empathetic but I don’t know how to empathize. And sympathy is nothing but pity offered by callow people.

“Oh”. What a pretentious expression. Tell them a sad story, teach them how to laugh.

Lately, I’ve been compelled to question everything. A wrong moment in time seemed to outline every choice I’ve ever made in my life, and made me look back;  to all the wrong friends, wrong acquaintances, wrong place, wrong path, wrong university, wrong school, wrong talk, wrong class, wrong questions, wrong conversations-every connection. 

I’ve learnt to sketch all that was wrong for me since the beginning of time. Perception. Indulgence. Lessons.

I try to think about all the extremely wonderful people who’ve been in my life, or could be in my life, but are not. And never will be. 

But I’ve learnt some things.

 I'm going to be proud of my goals, no matter the result. I will say NO- to stupid hangouts, stupid conversations, outright invasion of privacy, people who try to bring me down, deflating opinions of people about me. I'm going to stay away from all of this. 

Ultimately all that makes you unhappy, all the people who make you unhappy, everything that screams unhappiness is meaningless. It does not define you. It does not define me. It’s a black space. Aurthohin.

I’m starting over, again. What do you think shadow? Wait, don’t answer. I’m leaving you; and everyone else, and everything else, of you, with you.

Not yours,

Light

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