A Jogan is Leaving Her Country

 In this entire hullabaloo, a lot of words have been left unsaid, and unwritten. The white canvas that I would so lovingly paint with my emotions has been unable to contain my chaotic thoughts, all in one place. I kept on waiting, thinking that I’ll rue over it later, when I can make better sense of it all – but everything seemed to be kept on happening, without any certainty – at full speed. 

This was a pace I was never comfortable moving with, yet this is how, for a change – I went with the flow; because I had nothing to lose. While there is everything to “sacrifice” at one end, there’s everything to gain at the other.

As clichés go, today I paused; let the phone ring and let the flood of messages come.  Today I took no responsibility, and breathed, to write – so that I could comprehend everything.  So that I could finally let go and converse with the jogan (anchoress) that is my soul, the jogan that feeds my mind, keeps ME alive, and allows my kaya (body) to keep moving.

She has asked me a lot of questions lately; chiefly she asks if there can be no happiness, merely because a part of you doesn’t exist with you anymore? Do ghost of such happy moments then become melancholic inclinations, whose faded image you’ll call nostalgia? Why does distress seem so much more augmented upon addition of unnecessary worry and solicitude, why do I feel suppressed when that’s the case? Is it too harsh, to forget, and move on? If I remain hidden…will I wither and perish?

Of course, I have no answers to any of these questions. And of course, I do not want her to wither and perish. All I can tell her is that I’ll return, a better person – stable, balanced, passionate, and even more alive.

And this is where the jogan will always reside – between the present and the future; this is where she'll turn to, when she is ill-disposed to converse. She will live in another world, a world where she can hide, where all her fears and all her worries fade away as quickly as they had assailed her. I will not let her wither - ever. This is a part of me I will never let anybody touch.