Psychology 101

Monday, 8 May 2017

I've learned that it is easy to blame other people, especially in times when we are displeased. So we cover up our mistakes (which could’ve been avoided) and cover up the poor judgment on our part by using anger as a defence mechanism; victimizing ourselves to the point where we feel attacked by the other person.

You feel indignant, distraught, disrespected and even assaulted, so you sulk. But in the moment you want anything but to feel helpless and guilty, so you react fervently by screaming and shouting; blaming the other person. And it does not resolve anything, neither does it diminish anything, it only escalates the problem so that it can be picked up from where it was left off. The cycle goes on.

It is terribly unfair you'll say, that you don't deserve the criticism - this is how you cover up, so that you can feel less bad about yourself. Indignation masks your reality so that helplessness can't take its toll on you.

Safeguarding your fragile emotions under your veil of anger is easy and it seems like the only choice, by habit, because such delicate emotions are not easy to bear.

To admit to these emotions might be difficult, especially when your ego doesn't allow you to do so, which makes confessing hard as it requires you to unmask your anger and hence become vulnerable - guilty, helpless, and unwise - which requires a very strong ego and a good understanding of your emotions.

And yet this is not exactly the talk of a conflict, not exactly. It is probably the kind of conflict where only one person has to face the blame to resolve the conflict, meaning that he has to admit to his mistakes. But since he doesn’t, he ends up in a real conflict.

Another kind of conflict is the one which is abetted by beliefs, something which can’t be avoided. It is a clash between indigenous beliefs and values which I, for a fact, never held so dearly to my heart, in fact, not at all. 

So to speak, the latter is the one I get into the most. More often than I would like to admit. It has been the case since childhood.

And at times I find myself just out of my depth because I know that only a negotiation or a compromise can resolve such conflict. And I can compromise too, but up to what degree, I do not know.

But I find this to be utterly unfair. Only because I am battling against something that I didn’t even choose, I’m being hurt over something I don’t want to associate myself with and yet I can’t be left without.

I find myself to be vulnerable. Tears they come so easily! And I am a so called “strong woman”.

Still I’m trying to understand the logic behind this horrible loop of conflicts for my beliefs and my way of life - where I consider myself a person with strong morals.

I wonder, when no solution can be dictated, and negotiation becomes a necessity, who shall incur the most loss?

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